Why do I believe?

Hello everybody!

I want to start my thoughts off with this quote:

"No vision and you perish; No Ideal, and you're lost; Your heart must ever cherish some faith at any cost. Some hope, some dream to cling to, Some rainbow in the sky, Some melody to sing to, Some service that is high."
-- Harriet Du Autermont

I sorry I haven't been keeping up with the journal recently, a lot of things are going through my mind...Mainly because I am set to go for another exam tomorrow first thing in the morning and there has just been so much on my mind about my faith in God. I have doubts and I am beginning to want to walk away...to try and think and re-examine why it is I believe in God.

I have been asked a fair question: "Why do you believe?" (In God.)

The one thing that startled me was that I don't know how to explain my own faith and yet I believe faith to be one of many things in my life, that I hold to be important.

So what does God truly mean to me? I accept God as my savior, my judge. I find myself at odds with what I believe to be two fundamentally different things in my life: Destiny and Fate.

I believe that I am the one who walks a path: My destiny is determined by the choices I make and ultimately the path on which I walk, for all it means is simply that I reach a destination. God does not control my destiny because he gave me free will...The ability to think to make mistakes and to think for oneself.

I believe that fate is the judgement on which God places on me. He decides where I go when I finish my journey called life. There is no substitute. No exception, it just is...what it is.

I have a responsibility. As a human being, I am accountable for the roles that I play: be it a student, a son, a brother, my brother's keeper, a friend, a sociologist or a social worker. This list is short as I have many more unwritten chapters in my life.

I have been asked yet another question: " Why does it not offend you, that I am telling you that what you believe in, is a fake? a fraud? I am telling you that everything you choose to believe in is a delusion"

The answer to that question is this: I believe that even if I do not necessarily agree, I feel that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I take no offense if someone believes in and holds different views from myself. In fact, I welcome the discussion.

I feel that my faith is weak. I have opinions and questions. I am outspoken in my own way. I feel that by asking questions and lacking vision and understanding does more harm than good. I was told that it was not my job to justify my faith...and that you can believe just because you want to have faith. (Chris H. Thanks for being a brother in Christ to me. Also for still being the good friend that you always are.)

This led me to ask myself this question: "Should I walk away? Should I turn my back on God?"

Hold that thought.

I am not walking away because of sprite. I am not walking away because of lament. I would suffer fools hardy if that were the case. I am debating on whether walking away will help me understand. I am having a hard time thinking of putting this thought into action. Knowing at the same time the consequences. This forces me to examine a lot of things: including my career.

I have been told by a dear friend of mine that: "Passion without skill is unappreciated"

And for me...Passion is empty without knowledge. I lack vision...I have ideals...I have ambition and yet I am lost. This lack of understanding causes me a disturbance...I am not lost because I have no aim. I am lost because I am aware that I do not know. The realization brings me shock, fear and no comfort.

Yet. I still believe God does exist. I see kindness through others, love and concern. I have received that gift through one of my many friends. The greatest gift of all isn't just life, it is caring and love. ( Josey T. you were wondering about proof yesterday? You are proof enough to me. You asked me what proof I found: Talking to you truly is a gift. I mean that with all my heart.)

Yet...I still have doubts, I feel sorry that I do. I don't know why. I feel that I could not bring myself to walk away because it will hurt people I care about. And yet, I wonder why the thought of walking away from my faith ever crossed my mind. Am I fighting a battle? Who is my opponent? Why do I have this uneasy feeling?

I feel I have something missing. Yet I know not what it is I am missing. Yet my current companions are confusion and fear. I don't know why I have these feelings. For now, I will have to fight my battle another day.

For now, I bid you adieu.

TKO