"This is the only reality you knew...until you make a new one..."

Hey everybody:

I am finally back. (okay not really as I am still swamped by work)--But I just thought I'd get a few a few things off my chest.

Here is what happened to my entire summer: "What summer? What is summer?"

Well okay, I am a little whiny (sorry) I missed a lot of things while working that I would have love to have at least gone to/visited or otherwise, get in touch with people:

In no particular order:

1. UW Convocation--This is where I could have gotten back to all of my friends just to support them like they have supported me a year or so back... (especially my friends in CCF and cCCF, I really missed you all)

2. The entire season with the Veritas and CCSA--My entire softball season went down the tubes, I was supposed to play catcher and I end up with all of my "weekends" happening in the middle of the week. (what that means is--basically I have no weekends off)--and when I actually have weekends off, I sleep. (sorry guys, that means you Dan, Carson,Gary and Horace)--and by extension--sorry Jas and Eric, sorry you guys, I'd have to e-mail you two since I slept through and missed your going away party.

3. Ah, nothing beats the fact that I am supposed to be improving my sales targets at work--and I get the involuntary "days off"--where I have a gaping 2-3 day period where I am off work until...um, whenever this so called "scheduling team" deems it necessary for me or (everybody else for that matter) when they simply show up to work.

...Okay, one thing good did come out of it Fran, I am glad I got to talk to you in my otherwise physically brutal schedule...on that note...you told me about something that basically had me thinking just a few more times in the last day or so...(which is a good thing for once, since now I don't bring my work home with me.)

Okay I'll break down my thoughts to a few parts: (and yep, I shared the same sentiments with you before, Fran--thanks for making me think one more time--or more actually.)

so this entry is again about...relationships...or rather what it means. Well, at this point I have feelings for someone and don't know how to go about saying it (or at least I know what I wanted to say...just couldn't find the words to put together.)

I'll admit it's been a number of years since I ever was in any "relationship"of any kind, I know that if I say my past was a major factor in my decisions, it seems logical as I always have at the back of my head, said: "I have to be careful...I have to be careful" Knowing my past and what became of me years later I still lean on the side of caution.

Here's another hard thing for me to admit: ( but quite true) I have two options I could:

a) choose to walk away and ignore my own feelings ...(truly foolish and seemingly cowardly of me)

b) or just tell the person. (of course the hard part I now find is: not so much that have feelings for that person..I don't even care about getting rejected, since I wouldn't feel hurt at all), but how do I get the message across that I value their friendship and that it means more to me than anything in the world, and that I am not expecting anything to happen or have any response for that matter?

Fran: Thanks for telling me that I am trapped in the past...because "it was the only reality I knew..." and nothing will go forward because I have nothing "until I make a new reality"

If anything, I learned that over the years I guess even I am tired of running, because of fear, and somewhat foolish responses to "reality" I wonder if I am making excuses for myself...subconsciously or otherwise.

Of course I still couldn't figure out if I should just write them a letter or tell the person myself. Fran thanks for handing me a hammer to break down my "reality" of the past. I guess, the one thing I learned was that no matter what happens, the past will always stay at one point in time, no matter how horrible it is...I am the one person who can beat the past and walk forward...

Now...that said "making my own reality" is harder than it seems...At least bit by bit the fear is finally going away. Thanks Fran for reminding me, that my personal "reality" is what I make it.

Signing off,

TKO