"You have the heart...but do you have the will?"

Hey Everybody:

It's been a really long time since I last wrote anything new, and in the time that I have been away I have been through a lot of things:

1) going to Weddings.
2) recovering from surgery.
3) thinking about my current job.
4) reflecting on my faith.
5) talking with Fran about having a heart and will.
6) talking with a friend about what a relationship entails.


1) Going to Weddings:

In the last few months I have been in and out of the office and it seems that funny enough while I was out and mostly missing get togethers with my friends from university and church, I didn't miss going to weddings. In retrospect I still have some pictures I have not sent to my friends yet...but for now due to ironically my work, I will have to wait on that later. )

I don't know if it is just me but while I am touched and very happy, I feel old...that might not sound like it makes sense, here is what I mean: I just notice a lot of my friends are either in the category of getting married, are in the process of getting engaged or just plain married. I get the feeling that strangely I feel alone even in a room full of people. ( silly... I know) I feel as if though there is just something missing and as I reflect on that, I keep wondering if I was just either immature or just plain naive.

Nevertheless, I am always feeling honored to be asked by my friends , and it serves to remind me that I have good friends who are around me. ( Thank you God for not putting my workdays on other people's weddings!! And for putting people in my life who always manage to make me laugh or smile.)

Speaking of feeling honored, congrats to Andes and Christie on your wedding!! ( and making me feel just a few years younger--and feeling like a reunion of other university buddies I didn't get to catch up with throughout this past year) I'll try to get the few pictures I do have--I am sorry I never got to get them on time--I spent a lot of time talking to UW cCCF friends I almost didn't take pictures!!

On a sad note, I am sorry I didn't get to support you guys recently through a death in the family...which moves me to my next topic.


2) Recovering from surgery:

Soon after the wedding I had left for a minor surgery on my head due to headaches and other stuff, and a "bump" on my head, at first I was told it was just "Fatty deposit" and that it would take no time at all...then I found out literally on the operating table it was bone tumor...luckily for me it was just benign. At first I had relatively little trouble sleeping but that second day felt like I had an anvil for a head!! The painkillers helped, plus I was so zoned out I almost didn't know I was off work (post surgery) --but I do have to admit although that week recovering was hard for a sleepyhead like me--it was nice not dealing with phones, sales or any other stuff to do with time limits and the whole nine yards.

I spent most of the time home sleeping and resting my head, or spending time with my grandma--( I love my grandma)--The rest of the time I was glad to have some time to clear my head, although I gotta say, it felt like the time when I had wisdom teeth pulled and was zoned out enough not remembering anything.


3) Thinking about my current job:

The one question that I now ask myself is: "What have I learned?" I learned a lot in the relatively short time span, that I apparently can be impatient, but it might be the environment or just a side of me that I didn't know I had...that strange aggressive side...all the while having a oddball sense of humour.

One of my friends asked me if I felt it was like "suffering" and I guess I couldn't quite put it that way, I see myself as just a guy who was there to do my job. In the positive side I am still "young" but I have to be honest I don't consider myself young anymore, I get that feeling that when it comes to my birthday I have a sense of fear ( I don't think I am that young) and I am not all that impressive but starting out is all I have right now.

I guess I always wonder if I can beat the clock, that is still be employable if and when I finish with my job.

Work has taught me a few things:

1. Having good friends makes the ride worthwhile
2. Connecting with people
3. Professionalism
4. There is a sense of personal achievement (not monetary)
5. I am a small gear ( that is part of a bigger machine) and easily expendable
6. No textbook in the world will ever teach me the importance of earning
7. That school is fine, but it has to be worth it for you personally
8. The world is a tough place, but if you are willing to work...
9. The only respect that is worth anything is self respect
10. You need intensity and "controlled insanity" to put up with problems

That tells me I have a lot to be thankful for in my life God knows I probably don't fit here, but my own parents have taught me when I was a child: "Thomas, you don't know the value of a dollar until you earn it...with your own two hands."

At the time, I was really too little to understand...but I never forgot that, and now the words will sink in and have a deeper meaning.


4) Reflecting on my faith:

I haven't spent as much time as I used to in devotions, but everytime I read a good book I have a sense of peace.

Sometimes it's not even about reading, but it keeps me intellectually engaged, it gives me that comfort and I always feel refreshed and ready to take on another day. It's been a long time since I last wrote in my journal ( and it's not a lack of motivation but rather I think I would need the sleep) both literally and figuratively, I felt like I was sleeping away on my faith.

Faith is not just about trust but in a Christian life, it also means having the humility before God. I speak not of blind trust, but the true peace of mind that I have believing in God. That He is real to me...

I admit, I am unlike many of my other friends I don't recite or remember passages, it was not something necessary--that's why I have my devotion journal, unfortunately I think I spend less time in prayer. When I do have time I am usually out spending time with some friends or just chatting ( and usually needed sleep badly enough that I just loosen up and not think about work or anything else)--I think of every step of the way as a journey of sorts, even though I wonder how much of the road I have taken.


5) Talking with Fran about having a heart and will:

I recently had spent sometime talking with my friend about life in general, everything ranging from jobs to church and making choices...about having a heart and a will...

I spent a lot of time in reflection and it has been many weeks since then, when taking about working currently I just notice a difference between work and school. I know that personally I would rather work as I earn my way slowly. While in school I knew what my abilities were and felt it would be a waste if I did not apply them in life. I know that many people tend to say time heals, I tend to think that time changes me in terms of personality, tone and thinking.

In my case, I changed a lot over the past year too. Time was a factor... I was much more cynical and aggressive and I didn't know that I could be "draining" to talk with, and while talking with Fran I realize just how important it was to realize other weaknesses. I still listen to people and manage to connect, I seem to be weak when picking up communication cues.

I know that my heart has always been set on helping people, to make a difference. Social work held that appeal to me, it inspires a positive passion in me as a person. Having a passion is great of course, but reality is I was asked to look deep inside myself and see if I have the "will" for helping professions.

Fran had reminded me again that being a good person and having that desire to help others in need is a positive trait, but as she pointed out I lacked the will...not in terms of willingness, but in terms of ability. It's not a personal attack or anything like that, but it takes energy and Fran reminded me repeatedly of the need to "pick up cues" I was told that in order to succeed I might need to "Overhaul your whole personality" a disturbing thought in some ways but a valid point as applied to me.

I was reminded by another friend like always I might believe in things "a little too firmly" while it has it's positives and negatives, I am mainly focused on the negative aspect of believing too firmly in things ( or believing in a course of action) it made me realize how "draining" it can be especially if this was in the workplace. I am just thankful I haven't made that mistake.

And I keep asking myself if it was worth it. I still feel lost and adrift, but time gave me a unique perspective. I still feel like my mind is all over the place, and needed to organize and collect my thoughts again.


6) Talking with a friend about what a relationship entails:

I recently spent sometime talking with another friend and the topic of relationships came up, and knowing my friend she told me that she thinks I was lucky being single, as I did not have emotions or other problems to tie me down.

"It must be nice being alone wouldn't you agree?"

I don't think it's "nice" I think that it sounds sad. In comparison, I have to say that it's not interesting to be lonely. Being alone eliminates "the problems" of having a relationship right? I think it's a nice "problem" to have. I think it's sad that my friend figured that a relationship is "all about me, me, me"

It just doesn't sound right.

Personally I think that relationships is something I would cherish, for me, it was about being there for the other person, to support the person I am with, to encourage them. I think that is the fundamental key to any relationship, to encourage each other. I figure if for some reason I can't be there for the person, there would be no point to having a relationship.

Having a relationship is about mutual understanding, not benefits. Without that mutual trust there is nothing really, I guess having that understanding and willingness to support the other person is important to me...because having the right person to be with is what makes a relationship worthwhile.



Logging off,

TKO